A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl.
–Stephan Hoeller

If we eavesdropped on the continuous thread of commentary in each others’ minds, I imagine we’d be surprised at how cruel we are to ourselves. In fact, if self criticism were a disease, it would likely dwarf other epidemics. If, like so many others, you have your own personal critic, you know what psychological distress this relentless mental criticism can cause.

Cultivating self compassion is probably the best way to combat this source of suffering. In fact, people with greater levels of self compassion have less anxiety and depression, increased psychological strengths and positive emotions, a greater ability to forgive, and are better able to navigate difficult life events.

If self compassion were a commodity, ads for it might feature a soft breeze blowing through a tropical paradise in your mind. So what is self compassion and how does it differ from the self esteem we are encouraged to nurture?

According to a Duke and Wake Forest University study published several years ago, self compassion involves recognizing your own suffering, feeling moved to respond to it with kindness, understanding that you are not suffering in isolation, and cultivating a practice of mindfulness.

Although a dictionary definition of self esteem describes it as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself” (Merriam Webster’s online dictionary), in Western culture, self esteem is often based on a comparison of self to others and is tethered to our successes and failures–rising and falling with our latest accomplishment, acquisition, mistake, or failure.

On the other hand, self compassion is not dependent on differentiating and separating ourselves from others, but instead on seeing our interdependence, our common humanity, fragility, and imperfections. Understanding that our progress in life is built on both success and failure, self compassion provides us a soft place to land each time we fall–as we inevitably do. It also puts our failures and faux pas in perspective–that is, we are all imperfect and bound to make mistakes or encounter misfortune. In a framework of self compassion, it is easier to be kind to ourselves.

Mindfulness, the third element of self compassion, can be an antidote for harsh self criticism. It helps us cultivate acceptance by becoming a neutral observer of negative thoughts and emotions. Practicing mindfulness can help us disengage from an emotional response to an event, de-escalate our self criticism and painful emotions, and allow us to navigate challenges with equanimity and perspective.

Self compassion isn’t subject to the winds of fortune or misfortune. It encompasses and allows both, providing a ballast with which we can experience the ups and downs of life. By allowing us our imperfections and still acknowledging we’re worthy and lovable, self compassion makes room for and nurtures human possibility.

Born in Israel, Rami Efal, an author, illustrator, and descendant of Holocaust survivors, wrote us that in June he will be part of a multi-faith retreat in Auschwitz/Birkenau in Poland to bear witness at a site where members of his family were killed in the Holocaust. “The retreat will include meditation and Jewish, Muslim, Christian and Buddhist liturgical services, as well as a name-reading of victims,” he writes on his blog. “I will be reading the names of my grandparents siblings, mothers, fathers as well as the names of friends’ relatives who have fallen in the different wars of Israel.”

A gifted artist, Efal is offering portaiture services in exchange for donations that will help him travel to Poland for the retreat. He is also offering to “read the names of your family members, whether they died at the Jewish Holocaust, or in any other conflict of past or present. I especially invite my German, Polish, Russian, Jordanian, Syrian, Egyptian and Palestinian friends.” Check out his blog for more details, to see his beautiful artwork, and his new book, Never Forget, Never Forgive, A Graphic Novel.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

How do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?

In Dublin (California, that is) they held a parade (not unusual).  However this parade also was a “kindness walk” in which people were encouraged to help spread kindness “by walking in the parade, handing out candies, smiling, waving, hugging, and encouraging others to be kind.”

What a great idea!  The spark for this comes from SpreadKindness.org whose purpose is “to inspire others to be kind, compassionate and loving to one another - at home, at work, and in every interaction throughout the day.”  They further point out that “No kind action ever stops with itself.  One kind action leads to another.”

Practicing kindness is a fundamental of forgiveness, and I encourage every one of you to make St. Patrick’s Day a day to spread kindness.  If you’re wondering how to do this, here’s one suggestion:  smile at everyone you see - look them in the eye and simply smile (I bet they smile back).  Click here for other suggestions.

Kindness shows respect and care for the other person and expresses our equality one with another.  Because, as is often said, “We’re all in this together.”  So, as we all become Irish for a day, let’s celebrate not only “the luck of the Irish” but also the kindness of our hearts.

Collect as many smiles as you can this St. Patrick’s Day and let it brighten the day.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love .  Lao-Tzu

From the Web
Here are two Web sites that are dedicated to encouraging the practice of kindness–explore and see what motivates you:  ActsOfKindness.org and SpreadKindness.org

A few weeks ago, a fundraiser was held for Sheryl Stack, widow of Joe Stack who crashed a plane into an office building in Austin, Texas, where IRS employee Vernon Hunter was killed. What makes this unusual was the participation of performers from the Greater Mount Zion Baptist Church where Hunter was a member.

“My heart grieves for the loss of life caused by my husband in the tragic events of Feb. 18, 2010,” Sheryl Stack said in her first public comments since the crash. “My prayers are continually with the widow and family of Vernon Hunter, and I pray also for Shane Hill and all the others who were injured and or traumatized by this catastrophe.”

Reaching across the pain and loss caused as a result of Joe Stack’s actions to help Sheryl Stack and her daughter show a great deal of compassion. Read more about this event in the statesman.com article.

This commentary by Israel Rafalovich from England’s Economic Voice, provides a much-needed push for the role of forgiveness in international relations and precedes a book he is writing on the same topic. In the rare air of international negotiations and relations, it’s easy to objectify the people impacted. Rafalovich argues that politicians “have to be able to develop empathy for their enemies and not invest themselves in dehumanising their enemies.”

“Forgiveness has to be possible in politics,” he writes, “if there is to be any hope of former enemies to be able to-co-exist as members of the international community. For we learn the need to forgive and be forgiven from our experience of living together with others. In forgiveness we affirm our readiness to act anew and to establish new relationships. When we do achieve the goal of being neighbours to people who were once our enemies, than we will see forgiveness in politics in action.”

It’s worth a read!

Spring is almost here–and not a moment too soon for the snow-weary! Whether you’re wishing for more full spectrum light to get through these last weeks of winter or reveling in a symphony for the senses evoked by an early spring, nature’s lesson about strength and patience is right under your feet.

Pushing through the frozen ground, each bulb, shoot, and sprout demonstrates the tenacity and power it takes to be reborn in the moment. The earth does not give way easily to new growth. And new growth does not wait for the temperature to rise and the soil to soften. It comes in adverse conditions, before everything can be staged and perfect. For us, too, new growth can come with challenges, and often does.

Cultivating love, forgiveness, and compassion is no different. Year after year, we negotiate long term relationships, make new ones, and end others. There is always something new to contend with, something unexpected–joy alongside disappointments, beauty alongside devastation, high expectations alongside imperfection. Life doesn’t let up.

The strength and resilience it takes to persevere is like the strength it takes for the crocus to push through the solid, cold earth that surrounds it. And like the crocus, we do it–one step, one shoot at a time.

The beauty of spring is undeniable. It is worth the wait and worth the struggle. If we look at our lives as inextricably connected within a larger web of life, then the strength it takes to endure in love, practice forgiveness, and behave compassionately seems infinitely small, even natural, compared to its rewards. Each new shoot peeking up from the earth attests to that.