Here’s some food for thought for the holidays from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness. Thank you, Thom.

It’s the holidays. It’s the end of a year and the end of a decade.

As we gather with family and look back at our lives and the times in which we live, what posture will we assume? That is, what perspective will we take?

I suggest gratitude. Gratitude recognizes the fragility and randomness in life and takes nothing for granted. In practicing gratitude, we are mindful of each moment and grateful for what we have and what we receive. Gratitude acknowledges and expresses our humility, recognizing that there are no entitlements and we are not in control of what life dishes out. Gratitude is one of the fundamentals of forgiveness (along with kindness and generosity).

In this season, be grateful. You’ll be happier and healthier if you do.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. –George MacDonald

From the web
Recent scientific studies showing that gratitude leads to a healthier, happier life.

Keeping with the theme of emotional mine fields.. Being a teen and parenting a teen create some of the most challenging and emotionally volatile times in one’s life. In a Psychology Today blog article by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., he provides some food for thought for parents and teens this holiday season.

In it, he states “that the final act of letting go of adolescence for both parents and teenagers needs to be forgiveness. Each party must be able to look back at the struggle between them and let go any resentment by saying to the other: ‘It is over now. And I want you to know that I believe you tried your best even when you were doing your worst. And that your worst was not all that you did. You also gave me much that was good, much that I value and for which I shall always be grateful.’”

“I would like to make a proposal for all of us for this holiday season,” writes Michelle Chadwick in a Dallasnews.com op ed piece. “Think of one person in your life whom you believe has wronged you. It can be a family member, a neighbor, a former friend, or a coworker. You know, the one whose very presence makes you want to dig up something from the past and rehash it again. And then make a conscious decision to forgive them and then, let it go (whatever “it” is).”

If the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions and interpersonal challenges for you, it’s worth reading this short article.

When I returned home from a trip on Monday, I was confronted by the front page headline in the Sunday Seattle Times “A path to murder,” about the life of Maurice Clemmons who murdered four police officers in Parkland, Washington. In the same issue was the Parade Magazine headline, “The Power of Forgiveness,” describing Nelson Mandela’s call for reconciliation as portrayed in the movie Invictus (opening December 11th) which chronicles his support of South Africa’s rugby team in an effort to bring South Africans together “through the universal language of sport.”

Offering forgiveness may seem outrageous to some when confronted with an overwhelming transgression like murder.  But reading the story about Invictus that held up the actions of Nelson Mandela in the face of tremendous, systemic injustice, was a reminder that it can and has been done. But how is forgiveness of such magnitude possible?

Everett Worthington, PhD, a leader in the field of forgiveness, experienced such a transgression in his own life which tested his resolve to practice what he preached. He used a process called “emotional replacement,” which he developed and studies, to forgive the man who murdered his mother.

In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains that “trauma seems to cause the emotional centers of the brain to become extremely active, and it changes emotional experience strongly. Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it with the emotion of compassion most likely reprogrammed my emotions of rage and fear.”

Worthington found humanity in the young man who murdered his mother. “People who hurt or offend us often do so because they’re conditioned by their past,” he writes. He was able to use that perspective to find compassion for and forgive his mother’s murderer without jettisoning a search for justice.

For most of us, forgiveness requires constant practice, building mental and emotional muscle that can hold the tension of the pain of transgressions alongside a broader understanding and compassion for the person or people who harm us or our loved ones. It’s not easy, but we can look to the example of Nelson Mandela, Everett Worthington, or others closer to us for inspiration.

For more on forgiveness from Everett Worthington and Fred Luskin, PhD, another leader in the field, listen to our podcasts.