It can be hard to tell what heartache those around us are experiencing and what a small kindness, a smile, or a touch can do to help. Sometimes we are the one in pain and tending to our own heart is what’s really needed. And sometimes just bringing to our awareness what others may be feeling can open our hearts and change our behavior.

Reaching out to others is not only kind, it is good for our health. And, according to research, kindness can become contagious. (No Purell needed here!) This month of Valentine’s Day (symbolically, at least) can be a reminder that love, listening, and presence are some of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others–from those who are close and important to us to those we pass in the hall at work, on the street, or in a checkout line.

Knowing that loss is inevitable can actually open our hearts to others and awaken us to each moment. So, why not “fall in love” with an ever-widening circle of people, like Bobbie Willis, a contributor to The Sun Magazine’s “Readers Write” section describes so beautifully.

“What saves me from the tedium of another day,” she writes, “is falling hopelessly in love with the people I meet: the curly-haired barista at the coffee shop who hands me my change as if dipping his fingers into holy water; the girl with Down syndrome who talks loudly about vacationing with her grandmother; the elderly couple who grow giant bubble-gum-colored puffs of dahlias at the corner of Twelfth and Chambers; the toddler girl across the street who bleats sweetly, “Mama come see!”; I fall in love with the deep timbre of my brother’s laugh; the way my mother says my name; the way my father calls me sweetheart; the way my sweetheart calls me baby.”

Kathleen Clark, Ph.D., J.D., who provided this entry, has practiced law and mediation in the San Francisco Bay Area for twenty years. She is the founder/CEO of Servant Lawyership. She practices law, convenes symposiums, and writes and speaks on collaborative practices in health care.

Michael Woods died of a heart attack on a gurney in the emergency room of Kent Hospital in Warwick, Rhode Island. A heart monitor was ordered but the order was never carried out.

Michael’s older brother, actor James Woods, sought compensation for his brother’s son, Peyton, but more than that, he wanted acknowledgement of responsibility, accountability, and an apology. Although Woods knew that litigation would only provide his family money, nothing more, he saw litigation as the only option he had.

The case proceeded to trial with Sandy Coletta, the new CEO of Kent Hospital, playing an active role. During the third week of trial, Coletta told her attorneys that she “absolutely” needed to talk with Woods, personally. At first, Woods resisted.

Decof told me that in his experience, he’d never seen or heard of a situation in which a public apology and acknowledgment, had occurred in the middle of a medical malpractice trial, especially when a settlement was involved. Decof asked Woods to meet with Coletta, knowing that a meeting was the only avenue to acknowledgment of responsibility and an apology. He suggested that “Woods might be able to look at the hospital differently through Coletta”.

That’s exactly what happened.

Coletta told Woods, “I don’t know if anyone from Kent has ever said this to you, but I am so sorry about what happened to your brother.” She acknowledged that “Mistakes were made” and “the hospital did not follow through on the order.” According to Decof, the apology shifted Woods’ frame of mind from “search and destroy to a conciliatory”. Woods said he transitioned from hurt and anger to hope.

Although the advent of this new practice, collaborative law in health care, has been daunting, my spirit, determination, and dedication to collaborative practices after adverse medical events was reinvigorated by this 2009 medical malpractice/wrongful death case of Michael Woods. The case was filed in July, 2006, had all the traditional elements of medical malpractice litigation. James Woods was angry, bitter, and alienated, feeling disrespected and unrecognized. Although James’ mother was not a party, she was an integral part of the litigation process.

By the end, the case had many elements of reconciliation: apology, acknowledgment, forgiveness, and collaboration, particularly transformative because the case was considered unsettlable. For me, this case was and continues to be about our shared humanity, understanding, and caring about each other.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

During this past weekend we again marked the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The question it brought to mind for me this year was this: can forgiveness make its way into mainstream civic discourse?

One of the many unsettling dynamics in our political arena is how thin-skinned our politicians make themselves out to be (though they probably aren’t so). Individuals are quick to take great personal offense at the mere implication of a slight, and these individuals are quick to go to the media and speak of their rage. The strategy becomes not so much to rise above the fray as to become the fray that pushes down the other person.

Exceptions to this political game seem few and far between. I wonder, however, if they aren’t so few but simply less reported. One recent exception I discovered is in Malaysia where, in the wake of multiple attacks on churches, Christians and Muslims and “even politicians across the political divide” condemned the attacks. They made statements and took actions so that “an air of repentance and forgiveness prevailed.” The writer called the acts “unprecedented.”

Wisdom and maturity can prevail over shallow political maneuvering. Let’s help make this our future.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

From the web
Here is the article describing the situation in Malaysia that I mention above.

This article echoes Dr. King’s call to disarm our enemies with love.

Last summer, while walking to one of my favorite places, the Ballard Locks, I noticed a lovely water feature in the garden that I’d not “seen” before. I’d walked by it numerous times, but missed it, totally. Even though I use these walks as a time to slow down and take in my surroundings, I’d completely missed this gem.

I’ve noticed other places around town that I’ve completely missed, too. And conversations–well, there are times that it’s not just a flagging memory that is at work. I allow myself to be distracted. Then I strain to catch the thread of the conversation.

There are so many things I’ve missed in life. I continually struggle to hold my attention in the present moment, sometimes with greater success than others. But the moments I’ve missed could–if translated to money–probably make a dent in the national debt.

It’s one of those things that’s simple to say, challenging to do. Noticing, listening, being present to each moment is like holding on to a fist full of sand–the tighter I squeeze, the more sand escapes.

In these tough times, the one thing we all have to give is our presence, our attention. Events like the earthquake in Haiti easily remind us how fleeting life is and how all we really have is the moment and our connections to others, to animals, and to nature. Right now, I renew my promise to witness the unfolding of each moment with a steady presence and when I stray, to start over again.

Here’s some food for thought for the holidays from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness. Thank you, Thom.

It’s the holidays. It’s the end of a year and the end of a decade.

As we gather with family and look back at our lives and the times in which we live, what posture will we assume? That is, what perspective will we take?

I suggest gratitude. Gratitude recognizes the fragility and randomness in life and takes nothing for granted. In practicing gratitude, we are mindful of each moment and grateful for what we have and what we receive. Gratitude acknowledges and expresses our humility, recognizing that there are no entitlements and we are not in control of what life dishes out. Gratitude is one of the fundamentals of forgiveness (along with kindness and generosity).

In this season, be grateful. You’ll be happier and healthier if you do.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. –George MacDonald

From the web
Recent scientific studies showing that gratitude leads to a healthier, happier life.

Keeping with the theme of emotional mine fields.. Being a teen and parenting a teen create some of the most challenging and emotionally volatile times in one’s life. In a Psychology Today blog article by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., he provides some food for thought for parents and teens this holiday season.

In it, he states “that the final act of letting go of adolescence for both parents and teenagers needs to be forgiveness. Each party must be able to look back at the struggle between them and let go any resentment by saying to the other: ‘It is over now. And I want you to know that I believe you tried your best even when you were doing your worst. And that your worst was not all that you did. You also gave me much that was good, much that I value and for which I shall always be grateful.’”

“I would like to make a proposal for all of us for this holiday season,” writes Michelle Chadwick in a Dallasnews.com op ed piece. “Think of one person in your life whom you believe has wronged you. It can be a family member, a neighbor, a former friend, or a coworker. You know, the one whose very presence makes you want to dig up something from the past and rehash it again. And then make a conscious decision to forgive them and then, let it go (whatever “it” is).”

If the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions and interpersonal challenges for you, it’s worth reading this short article.

When I returned home from a trip on Monday, I was confronted by the front page headline in the Sunday Seattle Times “A path to murder,” about the life of Maurice Clemmons who murdered four police officers in Parkland, Washington. In the same issue was the Parade Magazine headline, “The Power of Forgiveness,” describing Nelson Mandela’s call for reconciliation as portrayed in the movie Invictus (opening December 11th) which chronicles his support of South Africa’s rugby team in an effort to bring South Africans together “through the universal language of sport.”

Offering forgiveness may seem outrageous to some when confronted with an overwhelming transgression like murder.  But reading the story about Invictus that held up the actions of Nelson Mandela in the face of tremendous, systemic injustice, was a reminder that it can and has been done. But how is forgiveness of such magnitude possible?

Everett Worthington, PhD, a leader in the field of forgiveness, experienced such a transgression in his own life which tested his resolve to practice what he preached. He used a process called “emotional replacement,” which he developed and studies, to forgive the man who murdered his mother.

In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains that “trauma seems to cause the emotional centers of the brain to become extremely active, and it changes emotional experience strongly. Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it with the emotion of compassion most likely reprogrammed my emotions of rage and fear.”

Worthington found humanity in the young man who murdered his mother. “People who hurt or offend us often do so because they’re conditioned by their past,” he writes. He was able to use that perspective to find compassion for and forgive his mother’s murderer without jettisoning a search for justice.

For most of us, forgiveness requires constant practice, building mental and emotional muscle that can hold the tension of the pain of transgressions alongside a broader understanding and compassion for the person or people who harm us or our loved ones. It’s not easy, but we can look to the example of Nelson Mandela, Everett Worthington, or others closer to us for inspiration.

For more on forgiveness from Everett Worthington and Fred Luskin, PhD, another leader in the field, listen to our podcasts.

Compassion manifests itself in the world not by thinking but by doing.
–Charter for Compassion

Tomorrow the words of the Charter for Compassion will be unveiled to the world. 125 international partners will celebrate the launch through 175 events in 32 countries!

The Fetzer Institute, sponsor of the Campaign for Love & Forgiveness and primary sponsor of the Charter, is committed to the long-term vision of the Charter and finds the opportunity to support a worldwide conversation about the need for greater compassion compelling.

We encourage everyone to read, affirm, share, and act on the Charter for Compassion!

The highest expression of love is creativity.
–Deepak Chopra

Love has inspired countless works of art, from immortal plays such as Romeo and Juliet, to architectural masterpieces such as the Taj Mahal, to classic pop songs, like Queen’s “Love of My Life”.
–Nira Liberman and Oren Shapiro, “Does Falling In Love Make Us More Creative,” Scientific American

According to a recent study, thinking of love can make us more creative. The experiments, conducted by psychologists Jens Förster, Kai Epstude, and Amina Özelsel at the University of Amsterdam, suggest that love induces us to think long term, “triggering global processing”–a sort of psychological distancing or perspective–which promotes creativity. Thinking of sex, however, actually engages analytical–short-term, detail-oriented–thinking.

“One of the most noteworthy implications of these experiments is that love and sex don’t simply influence the way we think about the people we love or desire,” says an article in Scientific American. “Instead, they influence the way we think about everything.”

A friend just rekindled a romantic relationship. She and her (re)new love have kicked the creativity quotient into high gear. They both are sending letters and writing poetry to each other. She is knitting, creating collage, and trying new things. There is an aliveness in creative areas of her life that had long been dormant. It may be anecdotal, but they both agree, their rekindled creativity is due to their rekindled love.

It makes me wonder how much more there is to it than global processing. I wonder if thinking of love does something that can’t be quantified–if it opens our hearts and if, with open hearts, we are more creative.

I wonder, too if the expression of creativity is actually a form of love itself. To me, it encompasses both self love and love of others by giving expression to the creative spirit–that kernel of uniqueness and connection to something larger within each of us.

And for those who think creativity is limited to those who express their talents through the “arts,” in fact, ways of expressing creativity are only limited by creativity itself.

If you haven’t already watched Playing for Change’s wonderful video, Stand By Me, or Matt Harding’s Where the Hell is Matt? videos of him dancing in locations and with people from around the world, check them out. It may just trigger that “global processing” the Dutch researchers refer to.