No matter how long it’s been or how far away you’ve wandered, you can always begin again.
–Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness CD

A friend of mine loaned me a book and accompanying CD recently that has changed the way I relate to myself. The book, The Force of Kindness by Sharon Salzberg, is beautifully written and full of great wisdom. But the book was not the piece that so moved me. It was an instruction Salzberg gives in a guided meditation on the accompanying CD.

It goes something like this, “The moment when you realize you’ve been distracted is the most important moment in the meditation…That’s the moment when we have the chance to be really different, to actively bring the force of compassion into our practice and into our lives. Rather than judging yourself or seeking to punish yourself, that’s the moment to be gentle, to let go, to forgive yourself, to consciously practice kindness. Nothing is ruined. You simply begin again.”

To me, this is an instruction for life. “No matter how far away you’ve wandered” from your ideals, dreams, morals, or core, you can begin again. She says that even if you have to do it 1,000’s of times, it’s ok. What a relief. What a gift.

Now I remind myself that each time I realize I’ve wandered from this moment–whether I’ve made a misstep, acted insensitively, indifferently, harshly, or generally let my ego or inner dialogue run wild–that that is the most important moment in my life.

The same goes for how I approach others in my life. When I’m faced with an uncomfortable situation, or difficult encounter–that moment is an opportunity to “consciously practice kindness”.

I’ve read a number of books about kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and meditation and endeavor to practice each. But it wasn’t until I heard Salzberg’s words that I felt myself relax into my imperfection, knowing that I can forgive myself and start over, again, and again, and again. I know this instruction isn’t meant to encourage or  justify lax behavior, but it does allow for loosening the grip of my self critic, that voice and energy that take up time and space that could be filled with kindness.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

“War is hell.”

Attributed to Civil War General William Sherman, this phrase certainly refers to the unspeakable horrors that combat soldiers face every day. It also includes the terror experienced by civilians whose homes and villages are destroyed and who live in squalor not knowing what the next hour will bring. It even includes those miles away from the battle, wondering moment by moment if their loved ones are safe.

Engaging in war often is a nation’s response to being threatened or attacked. However, what if we opted for a different response? Following the Rwandan genocide, Immaculee Ilibagiza volunteered at an orphanage that took in every child brought to them - more every day. They had great need in many areas. One day, after passing several military checkpoints on her way to the orphanage, Immaculee wondered, “What would I do if I could command an army? I’d bring it here to fight for the orphans!”

This audacious idea led her to assemble a proposal and, using her not-so-powerful position as an administrative assistant at the UN in Rwanda, tag along to a meeting selecting the project for the next International Volunteer Day. She offered her proposal to bring food and medicine, to read and clean, and to simply share love with the orphans for a day. While this initially fell flat amidst the usual thoughts of repairing classrooms, building a schoolhouse or establishing a clinic, she persisted and her proposal was accepted. A few weeks later, over 100 volunteers from Africa, Europe, America, and Asia brought food, crayons, blackboards, cleaning supplies, and medicines to the orphanage. While half the group worked, the other half interacted with the children. Their only instruction was to act from their heart and give it their all. In a radio interview at the close of the day, Immaculee stated her reason for the project: “because these children are the ones who will build the new Rwanda.”

Violence is a power of death and destruction, fueled by hate. Love is a power of life and hope, fueled by compassion. And love is by far the greater power. We know this in the deepest recesses of our hearts. So, why do we not act on this knowledge?

This Memorial Day - and in the days to come - may we honor those who have fought for our freedom by daring to mature into a civilization where the “eye for an eye” mentality of war is replaced with the understanding that when one suffers, we all suffer. Love is our secret weapon!

Quote for reflection throughout the week
I will greet this day with love in my heart. For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscles can split a shield and even destroy life itself but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of man. And until I master this act I will remain no more than a peddler in the marketplace. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend upon its force… my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day. –Og Mandino

From the web
Here is an article from Charlottesville, VA of two persons who lost loved ones to terrorism and are responding with love.

On Saturday, April 24th, Seattle hosted a daylong event, Compassionate Seattle: It’s Up to Us!, in honor of the city becoming the first in the world to affirm the Charter for Compassion and become a participant in the Ten Year Campaign for Compassionate Cities.

Karen Armstrong headlined the event and set the tone, encouraging Seattleites and others who attended or tuned into the Webcast, to bring compassion into our discourse, into our work, into all aspects of our city, work, and personal lives. “Work to create a community where we can look into the eyes of our enemies and see the divine,” she said. “Think of what the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu have done for compassion. ‘Become the change,’” she concluded, invoking Mahatma Gandhi.

Speaker after speaker balanced their remarks with an understanding of how difficult practicing compassion can be at times, and an invitation to practice it anyway. In introducing Karen Armstrong, Reverend Guo Cheen, a Buddhist nun (see her YouTube channel for interviews with Karen Armstrong) spoke about the 100 petty humiliations someone who is homeless goes through each day and how important it is to step into the mind of the other as we walk through our lives.

Artist Isa D’Arleans commented that “compassion comes with pain. Don’t run away from feelings,” she said. “Live with them from second to second.” Author Courtney Martin remarked that “compassionate citizens must look within” while Armstrong noted that “a compassionate city must always look out.”

Panelists shared examples of programs that exemplify compassion–too many to name here. Participants were given lessons in laughing yoga and compassionate listening and were asked, “Is compassion ever undeserved?” Answers to that question shifted dramatically after Joanne Conger, executive director of the Freedom Project: From Prisoners to Peacemakers, spoke about how teaching prisoners nonviolent communication changed them (it reduces recidivism 16% and saved Washington state $5 million, she said) and her.

James O’Dea, past president of the Institute of Noetic Sciences, spoke of sacred activism as “taking responsibility for what is right in front of you. Compassion,” he said, “is a force that is system transforming.”

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

We are pretty good at avoiding the truth.

As individuals we rationalize–what we eat, what we do, what we avoid doing. As a society we group think–from tolerating, even promoting, unhealthy lifestyles to launching military invasions. And this is not a new phenomenon. (”C’mon Adam, eat the apple. What harm could it do?”…or something like that.)

In his book, The High Price of Materialism, Tim Kasser reviews a large body of research spanning various cultures that basically affirms what we’ve known for centuries: money can’t buy happiness. More specifically, once people are above poverty levels of income, gains in wealth have little or no incremental payoff in terms of happiness or well-being. Also, there are studies suggesting the pursuit of wealth and possessions might actually undermine our well-being. While the research may be new, the information is not. We’ve known for years and years that money cannot buy happiness.

Yet, how much of our life is measured by wealth? From Gross National Product to individual salaries, from the size of your house to the ring on your finger, from the people in your circle to the college major you pursue - so much of our life is assessed based upon a scale of wealth. All the while, we know deep in our hearts that money can’t buy happiness.

You can change that for yourself this very day. Practicing gratitude, kindness, and generosity will lead to a happier life. So, do one, very deliberate act of kindness today (it may take an entire minute). Also, pause right now and spend 60 seconds being grateful for someone in your life. These two minutes will make your day.

Offering an act of kindness in the face of suffering is a powerful and sometimes daunting practice. Our first instinct may be to turn away, to avoid the pain, to react in a way that we think protects and distances ourselves. Yet to witness our own or others’ pain and reach out in kindness is not only an act of compassion, it expresses our profound connection to each other.

Pain and suffering can trigger fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair, leaving us feeling alone and isolated, or it can bring us together like our collective response to the southeast Asian tsunami, and the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile.

In our culture, it is easy to think we can avoid suffering by succumbing to the distractions or indulgences of everyday life, diverting attention from harsh realities. More seductive still, we can get lost in a cloud of thought that plunges us deeper into isolation and our separation from others.

In fact, our ego or sense of self–the thoughts that differentiate us from others–while a natural part of being human, can contribute to our feeling separate, vulnerable, fearful, and polarized. Protecting that sense of self can cause us to view the world in terms of us and them and override our empathic tendency. We only need glimpse the latest news to see examples of this. At the extreme, focusing too much on ourselves breeds anxiety and depression, while connecting with others can actually boost our health and well-being.

Distracting ourselves, with work, TV, or alcohol, for example, may seem a protective reaction, but pain and suffering remain. By witnessing and accepting the world as it is we are able to respond with honesty, clarity of purpose, and compassion. For most of us, this takes ongoing effort and practice. But being fully present during our moments of pain or despair, provides a profound opportunity to communicate immediately and directly from the heart–as it breaks open and connects us with one another.

“It is not about assuming a new self-image or manufactured persona; it is about being compassionate naturally, out of what we see, out of what we understand,” writes Sharon Salzberg in The Force of Kindness. “Compassion is like a mirror into which we can always look. It is like a stream that steadily carries us. It is like a cleansing fire that continually transforms us.”

Cultivating compassion asks that we return to that initial instinct of “fellow feeling”, be open to our own and others’ suffering, practice forgiveness, kindness, and gratitude. Compassion returns us to something that is not only a key part of our social nature, but part of our survival: our connection to each other and to our heart.

A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl.
–Stephan Hoeller

If we eavesdropped on the continuous thread of commentary in each others’ minds, I imagine we’d be surprised at how cruel we are to ourselves. In fact, if self criticism were a disease, it would likely dwarf other epidemics. If, like so many others, you have your own personal critic, you know what psychological distress this relentless mental criticism can cause.

Cultivating self compassion is probably the best way to combat this source of suffering. In fact, people with greater levels of self compassion have less anxiety and depression, increased psychological strengths and positive emotions, a greater ability to forgive, and are better able to navigate difficult life events.

If self compassion were a commodity, ads for it might feature a soft breeze blowing through a tropical paradise in your mind. So what is self compassion and how does it differ from the self esteem we are encouraged to nurture?

According to a Duke and Wake Forest University study published several years ago, self compassion involves recognizing your own suffering, feeling moved to respond to it with kindness, understanding that you are not suffering in isolation, and cultivating a practice of mindfulness.

Although a dictionary definition of self esteem describes it as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself” (Merriam Webster’s online dictionary), in Western culture, self esteem is often based on a comparison of self to others and is tethered to our successes and failures–rising and falling with our latest accomplishment, acquisition, mistake, or failure.

On the other hand, self compassion is not dependent on differentiating and separating ourselves from others, but instead on seeing our interdependence, our common humanity, fragility, and imperfections. Understanding that our progress in life is built on both success and failure, self compassion provides us a soft place to land each time we fall–as we inevitably do. It also puts our failures and faux pas in perspective–that is, we are all imperfect and bound to make mistakes or encounter misfortune. In a framework of self compassion, it is easier to be kind to ourselves.

Mindfulness, the third element of self compassion, can be an antidote for harsh self criticism. It helps us cultivate acceptance by becoming a neutral observer of negative thoughts and emotions. Practicing mindfulness can help us disengage from an emotional response to an event, de-escalate our self criticism and painful emotions, and allow us to navigate challenges with equanimity and perspective.

Self compassion isn’t subject to the winds of fortune or misfortune. It encompasses and allows both, providing a ballast with which we can experience the ups and downs of life. By allowing us our imperfections and still acknowledging we’re worthy and lovable, self compassion makes room for and nurtures human possibility.

Born in Israel, Rami Efal, an author, illustrator, and descendant of Holocaust survivors, wrote us that in June he will be part of a multi-faith retreat in Auschwitz/Birkenau in Poland to bear witness at a site where members of his family were killed in the Holocaust. “The retreat will include meditation and Jewish, Muslim, Christian and Buddhist liturgical services, as well as a name-reading of victims,” he writes on his blog. “I will be reading the names of my grandparents siblings, mothers, fathers as well as the names of friends’ relatives who have fallen in the different wars of Israel.”

A gifted artist, Efal is offering portaiture services in exchange for donations that will help him travel to Poland for the retreat. He is also offering to “read the names of your family members, whether they died at the Jewish Holocaust, or in any other conflict of past or present. I especially invite my German, Polish, Russian, Jordanian, Syrian, Egyptian and Palestinian friends.” Check out his blog for more details, to see his beautiful artwork, and his new book, Never Forget, Never Forgive, A Graphic Novel.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

How do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?

In Dublin (California, that is) they held a parade (not unusual).  However this parade also was a “kindness walk” in which people were encouraged to help spread kindness “by walking in the parade, handing out candies, smiling, waving, hugging, and encouraging others to be kind.”

What a great idea!  The spark for this comes from SpreadKindness.org whose purpose is “to inspire others to be kind, compassionate and loving to one another - at home, at work, and in every interaction throughout the day.”  They further point out that “No kind action ever stops with itself.  One kind action leads to another.”

Practicing kindness is a fundamental of forgiveness, and I encourage every one of you to make St. Patrick’s Day a day to spread kindness.  If you’re wondering how to do this, here’s one suggestion:  smile at everyone you see - look them in the eye and simply smile (I bet they smile back).  Click here for other suggestions.

Kindness shows respect and care for the other person and expresses our equality one with another.  Because, as is often said, “We’re all in this together.”  So, as we all become Irish for a day, let’s celebrate not only “the luck of the Irish” but also the kindness of our hearts.

Collect as many smiles as you can this St. Patrick’s Day and let it brighten the day.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love .  Lao-Tzu

From the Web
Here are two Web sites that are dedicated to encouraging the practice of kindness–explore and see what motivates you:  ActsOfKindness.org and SpreadKindness.org

Spring is almost here–and not a moment too soon for the snow-weary! Whether you’re wishing for more full spectrum light to get through these last weeks of winter or reveling in a symphony for the senses evoked by an early spring, nature’s lesson about strength and patience is right under your feet.

Pushing through the frozen ground, each bulb, shoot, and sprout demonstrates the tenacity and power it takes to be reborn in the moment. The earth does not give way easily to new growth. And new growth does not wait for the temperature to rise and the soil to soften. It comes in adverse conditions, before everything can be staged and perfect. For us, too, new growth can come with challenges, and often does.

Cultivating love, forgiveness, and compassion is no different. Year after year, we negotiate long term relationships, make new ones, and end others. There is always something new to contend with, something unexpected–joy alongside disappointments, beauty alongside devastation, high expectations alongside imperfection. Life doesn’t let up.

The strength and resilience it takes to persevere is like the strength it takes for the crocus to push through the solid, cold earth that surrounds it. And like the crocus, we do it–one step, one shoot at a time.

The beauty of spring is undeniable. It is worth the wait and worth the struggle. If we look at our lives as inextricably connected within a larger web of life, then the strength it takes to endure in love, practice forgiveness, and behave compassionately seems infinitely small, even natural, compared to its rewards. Each new shoot peeking up from the earth attests to that.

This poem was written in 2008 by Adeola Fearon in response to and in honor of WTVI/Charlotte’s Campaign for Love & Forgiveness conversations.

Garden of Forgiveness

in the garden of forgiveness
it takes courage to hear
“I’m sorry”
as much as it does
to plan something
that feeds the soul
the quality of life
inspired
by a moving experience
touched by an angel
sent to elevate your life
to slow down
create a bridge
between heart and mind
to one day share
with your children
wise words
making an impact
joy
optimism
diversity
share your spirit
for a new
tomorrow
how passionate are you
to see things from a new view
to flower
possibilities

©2008 Adeola Fearon