This commentary by Israel Rafalovich from England’s Economic Voice, provides a much-needed push for the role of forgiveness in international relations and precedes a book he is writing on the same topic. In the rare air of international negotiations and relations, it’s easy to objectify the people impacted. Rafalovich argues that politicians “have to be able to develop empathy for their enemies and not invest themselves in dehumanising their enemies.”
“Forgiveness has to be possible in politics,” he writes, “if there is to be any hope of former enemies to be able to-co-exist as members of the international community. For we learn the need to forgive and be forgiven from our experience of living together with others. In forgiveness we affirm our readiness to act anew and to establish new relationships. When we do achieve the goal of being neighbours to people who were once our enemies, than we will see forgiveness in politics in action.”
Were you aware that President Obama signed a bill in December that included a resolution offering “an apology to all Native Peoples on behalf of the United States”? I wasn’t.
When I surfaced from reading an article on apologies the other day, I noticed a tweet from Simon Cohen, aka globaltolerance: “Imp news: Obama apologises to Native Americans http://bit.ly/5qOGEG.” I jumped to the link and read Sean McCollum’s Teaching Tolerance article on the passage and signing of the 2010 Defense Appropriations Act last month which included an apology “to all Native Peoples for the many instances of violence, maltreatment, and neglect inflicted on Native Peoples by citizens of the United States.”
Where was this news? I searched the Web for a news story. Surely there had been coverage of this. Nothing substantial surfaced. As the Teaching Tolerance post points out, news attention was elsewhere–namely, McCollum states, on Tiger Woods and health reform.
An apology for institutionalized, horrific, and sustained transgressions against Native Americans in this country was buried in a defense bill and eclipsed in the news.
While an apology doesn’t erase transgressions–especially of this magnitude–it is important. And giving voice to the apology, to me, would make it more real. Perhaps this is a good time to revisit the power of apology and why it’s needed, and in the process build discussion–and visibility–around this apology.
According to On Apology author, Aaron Lazare, in an article in The Compassionate Instinct, “there are four parts to the structure of an effective apology…acknowledgment of the offense; explanation; expressions of remorse, shame, and humility; and reparations.” An effective, heartfelt apology can lead to forgiveness, even reconciliation, according to Lazare. To do this, he writes, it must satisfy one or more of seven psychological needs of those offended: the restoration of dignity, validation that the victim was not responsible, agreeing that the harm committed was wrong, assuring that the offended party is safe from a repeat offense, reparative justice, reparations, and dialogue between the offender and offended
While the resolution clearly makes no reparations, perhaps we can see it in the light of a work in progress and learn from it. According to Sean McCollum, “it finally owns up to this country’s record of ill-conceived, bigoted, and often sadistic treatment of Native Americans. And perhaps, like any honorable apology should, it sets the stage for making amends.”
Now if it would only get some coverage… Pass it on.
When I returned home from a trip on Monday, I was confronted by the front page headline in the Sunday Seattle Times “A path to murder,” about the life of Maurice Clemmons who murdered four police officers in Parkland, Washington. In the same issue was the Parade Magazine headline, “The Power of Forgiveness,” describing Nelson Mandela’s call for reconciliation as portrayed in the movie Invictus (opening December 11th) which chronicles his support of South Africa’s rugby team in an effort to bring South Africans together “through the universal language of sport.”
Offering forgiveness may seem outrageous to some when confronted with an overwhelming transgression like murder. But reading the story about Invictus that held up the actions of Nelson Mandela in the face of tremendous, systemic injustice, was a reminder that it can and has been done. But how is forgiveness of such magnitude possible?
Everett Worthington, PhD, a leader in the field of forgiveness, experienced such a transgression in his own life which tested his resolve to practice what he preached. He used a process called “emotional replacement,” which he developed and studies, to forgive the man who murdered his mother.
In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains that “trauma seems to cause the emotional centers of the brain to become extremely active, and it changes emotional experience strongly. Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it with the emotion of compassion most likely reprogrammed my emotions of rage and fear.”
Worthington found humanity in the young man who murdered his mother. “People who hurt or offend us often do so because they’re conditioned by their past,” he writes. He was able to use that perspective to find compassion for and forgive his mother’s murderer without jettisoning a search for justice.
For most of us, forgiveness requires constant practice, building mental and emotional muscle that can hold the tension of the pain of transgressions alongside a broader understanding and compassion for the person or people who harm us or our loved ones. It’s not easy, but we can look to the example of Nelson Mandela, Everett Worthington, or others closer to us for inspiration.
For more on forgiveness from Everett Worthington and Fred Luskin, PhD, another leader in the field, listen to our podcasts.
Campaign conversations are making a difference! In campaign conversations exploring what forgiveness is and ways to practice it, participants in six communities around the country reported key changes in both their understanding of forgiveness, perspectives on it, and their likelihood to grant it to themselves and others. Participants also reported positive changes in specific thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.
Research results indicate a greater understanding of the nature and process of forgiveness was gained through the conversations. “I have learned to be more open with myself, my heart, and to live each day with more compassion and understanding,” noted a campaign conversation participant. From the first conversation to the fourth, participants had a greater understanding that forgiveness is something you do for yourself and that forgiveness did not mean forgetting, both of which can be psychological roadblocks to forgiving.
More than half the respondents felt more forgiving towards themselves, their families and their communities after the conversations. Three out of four participants felt more likely to forgive someone close to them and nearly three quarters also were more likely to forgive themselves. “I am not so quick to get angry with my grandmother, and I realize that she really loves me and wants the best for me,” said another participant.
When asked whether they felt certain acts, such as physical abuse, violent or war crimes, extramarital affairs, verbal or emotional abuse and racist or sexist remarks were possible to forgive, participants who said “yes” increased by 14-17 percentage points from the first conversation to the last. In fact, participants felt all actions listed, including being fired, gossip, and being lied to forgive, were more possible to forgive after participating in the conversations.
Forgiveness also became a topic and practice participants wanted to share with others. After participating in the conversations, nearly 70% were more likely to talk with others about forgiveness, notice it in the news, or ask to be forgiven.
If you want to start a series of conversations in your community, business, or organization, download materials on our Web site.
Simply put, there is nothing, nothing in the world, that can take the place of one person intentionally listening or speaking to another. The act of conscious attending to another person–when one once discovers the taste of it and its significance–can become the center of gravity of the work of love. It is very difficult. Almost nothing in our world supports it or even knows about it.
–Jacob Needleman
On the day after Thanksgiving, November 27, 2009, StoryCorps is asking all Americans to start a new holiday tradition: Set aside one hour to interview a friend, a loved one, or someone in your community about his or her life.
The process is simple: select an interview partner, create a question list, and sit down to record a meaningful conversation. StoryCorps has created a free Do-It-Yourself (DIY) interview guide with step-by-step interview instructions, equipment recommendations, and sample questions available online at www.nationaldayoflistening.org.
Compassion manifests itself in the world not by thinking but by doing. –Charter for Compassion
Tomorrow the words of the Charter for Compassion will be unveiled to the world. 125 international partners will celebrate the launch through 175 events in 32 countries!
The Fetzer Institute, sponsor of the Campaign for Love & Forgiveness and primary sponsor of the Charter, is committed to the long-term vision of the Charter and finds the opportunity to support a worldwide conversation about the need for greater compassion compelling.
We encourage everyone to read, affirm, share, and act on the Charter for Compassion!
The gesture had “symbolic importance. It’s a good sign for this deeply polarized country…”
–Camilo Gonzalez of the Institute for Development and Peace (Indepaz), Colombia
A recent BBC World (Latin America) article (Google translation) reported that Sebastian Marroquin (formerly Juan Pablo Escobar), the son of Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar, apologized to the children of presidential candidate Luis Carlos Galan and Minister Rodrigo Lara, both who were a few of the hundreds of victims of the Medellin cartel.
“How important is the gesture of the son of Escobar?” BBC World asked philosophy professor Guillermo Hoyos, Universidad Javeriana. Hoyos said he was ‘very impressed’ with the meeting between the son of the perpetrator and the children of the victims.
“I remember the words of Spanish philosopher Manuel Reyes Mate, when he said that there will come a time when the culture of forgiveness has to be a civic virtue,” said Hoyos.
Thanks to Olivia Murillo, our conversation facilitator in Mexico, for sharing this link with us.
The first day of the Vancouver Peace Summit was filled with flashes of hope, passion, brilliance, bulbs, and recognition. Media swarmed the Dalai Lama and his entourage, though only allowed to take photos in the hall for the first five minutes of the morning and afternoon sessions. Speakers returned again and again to ancient wisdom, basic tenets of religious teachings, and moral imperatives. Still, it came down to each individual committing to personal change.
Here’s a sampling:
Victor Chan, the founder and director of the Dalai Lama Center opened the Summit with an intention “to translate compassion into concrete action that will make a change around the world.”
Tom Beech awarded His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu the Fetzer Prize for Love & Forgiveness. In introducing the awardees, he spoke of living with the reality of fear and violence and the promise of the power of love and forgiveness-a tension the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu have certainly navigated in their own lives.
Cherish oneself and extend it to others. -The Dalai Lama
People often think compassion is passive. Compassion is action.-The Dalai Lama
Peace isn’t just absence of violence, it’s deliberate avoidance of violence through peace. -The Dalai Lama
People are so beautiful, but they don’t know it. We underestimate our capacity for compassion. We need to bring that potential to the surface.-Matthieu Ricard
Children have a lot to teach us. They give us the gift of being able to forget ourselves.-Rev. Mpho Tutu (who accepted the Fetzer Prize on her father, Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu’s behalf)
Love isn’t what we feel, it’s what we do.-Rev. Mpho Tutu
Family negotiation is a model for decision making. I know peace is possible, I’ve seen my parents. -Rev. Mpho Tutu
Cultivate compassion, all day, everyday. It takes us beyond the prism of selfishness…Now, when things are difficult, it’s time to practice.-Karen Armstrong
And then, there were flashes of recognition that rippled through the audience. A woman sitting by author and Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard, glanced his way and smiled when opening the afternoon session, tenor Mario Frangoulis offered a rendition of John Lennon’s Imagine and sang the line, “Imagine no possessions…” The two shared a moment of amusement.
Later as several references to the importance of parents in demonstrating and building peace were made by Nobel Prize recipient Betty Williams and Rev. Mpho Tutu, I noticed heads turned in recognition and smiles rippled through Sir Ken Robinson’s family, sitting in front of me.
It was infectious. I came back to my room, looked at a photo of my mother I had found in my suitcase from a previous trip and was glad to be able to share this with her–at least in spirit.
For a glimpse of what went on backstage at the Peace Summit yesterday, check out an article by The Vancouver Sun’s Douglas Todd.
Watch the Fetzer Institute’s Prize for Love & Forgiveness being awarded to His Holiness, the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu at the Vancouver Peace Summit live on Sunday, September 27, 2009 at 9:30 a.m. PT / 12:30 p.m. ET.
Also, stay tuned to this blog for impressions and updates from the Vancouver Peace Summit.
The Fetzer Institute’s new web site, filled to the brim with information and resources on love, forgiveness, and compassion, is now live! Find out about their current work, the research they support, what religious leaders from a variety of faith traditions say about love and forgiveness through a series of videos, search their database for specific information, check out their latest events and activities, and lots more.
