I watched the first program in the three-part PBS series, This Emotional Life last night. It was fascinating to see how “families, friends, and lovers” navigated the terrain of human connection–especially when it was terribly challenging. This kind of information should be taught in school–after all we spend our lives in relationship to others, yet often learn relational skills on the fly.

The series “explores improving our social relationships, learning to cope with depression and anxiety, and becoming more positive, resilient individuals. Each episode weaves together the compelling personal stories of ordinary people and the latest scientific research.” If you missed the first program, I encourage you to catch the next two, which are airing on many public television stations tonight and tomorrow at 9 p.m. (check local listings).

In an article about the series on the Huffington Post, Xavier Amador, a consultant for the series and a clinical psychologist pointed out the importance of emotions that are painful in helping us connect with one another. “When we are sad, people reach out to us and we feel the desire to be held, cared for, loved. Anxiety often has the same effect. And when we come together we can then pursue common causes such as the search for food, creating shelter, defense against predators–our genes survive and are passed on to the next generation.”

We all suffer. We all are imperfect. How best do we relate and support each other knowing this? So far, I’m finding that This Emotional Life is providing some good insights.

Here’s some food for thought for the holidays from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness. Thank you, Thom.

It’s the holidays. It’s the end of a year and the end of a decade.

As we gather with family and look back at our lives and the times in which we live, what posture will we assume? That is, what perspective will we take?

I suggest gratitude. Gratitude recognizes the fragility and randomness in life and takes nothing for granted. In practicing gratitude, we are mindful of each moment and grateful for what we have and what we receive. Gratitude acknowledges and expresses our humility, recognizing that there are no entitlements and we are not in control of what life dishes out. Gratitude is one of the fundamentals of forgiveness (along with kindness and generosity).

In this season, be grateful. You’ll be happier and healthier if you do.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. –George MacDonald

From the web
Recent scientific studies showing that gratitude leads to a healthier, happier life.

Keeping with the theme of emotional mine fields.. Being a teen and parenting a teen create some of the most challenging and emotionally volatile times in one’s life. In a Psychology Today blog article by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., he provides some food for thought for parents and teens this holiday season.

In it, he states “that the final act of letting go of adolescence for both parents and teenagers needs to be forgiveness. Each party must be able to look back at the struggle between them and let go any resentment by saying to the other: ‘It is over now. And I want you to know that I believe you tried your best even when you were doing your worst. And that your worst was not all that you did. You also gave me much that was good, much that I value and for which I shall always be grateful.’”

“I would like to make a proposal for all of us for this holiday season,” writes Michelle Chadwick in a Dallasnews.com op ed piece. “Think of one person in your life whom you believe has wronged you. It can be a family member, a neighbor, a former friend, or a coworker. You know, the one whose very presence makes you want to dig up something from the past and rehash it again. And then make a conscious decision to forgive them and then, let it go (whatever “it” is).”

If the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions and interpersonal challenges for you, it’s worth reading this short article.

When I returned home from a trip on Monday, I was confronted by the front page headline in the Sunday Seattle Times “A path to murder,” about the life of Maurice Clemmons who murdered four police officers in Parkland, Washington. In the same issue was the Parade Magazine headline, “The Power of Forgiveness,” describing Nelson Mandela’s call for reconciliation as portrayed in the movie Invictus (opening December 11th) which chronicles his support of South Africa’s rugby team in an effort to bring South Africans together “through the universal language of sport.”

Offering forgiveness may seem outrageous to some when confronted with an overwhelming transgression like murder.  But reading the story about Invictus that held up the actions of Nelson Mandela in the face of tremendous, systemic injustice, was a reminder that it can and has been done. But how is forgiveness of such magnitude possible?

Everett Worthington, PhD, a leader in the field of forgiveness, experienced such a transgression in his own life which tested his resolve to practice what he preached. He used a process called “emotional replacement,” which he developed and studies, to forgive the man who murdered his mother.

In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains that “trauma seems to cause the emotional centers of the brain to become extremely active, and it changes emotional experience strongly. Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it with the emotion of compassion most likely reprogrammed my emotions of rage and fear.”

Worthington found humanity in the young man who murdered his mother. “People who hurt or offend us often do so because they’re conditioned by their past,” he writes. He was able to use that perspective to find compassion for and forgive his mother’s murderer without jettisoning a search for justice.

For most of us, forgiveness requires constant practice, building mental and emotional muscle that can hold the tension of the pain of transgressions alongside a broader understanding and compassion for the person or people who harm us or our loved ones. It’s not easy, but we can look to the example of Nelson Mandela, Everett Worthington, or others closer to us for inspiration.

For more on forgiveness from Everett Worthington and Fred Luskin, PhD, another leader in the field, listen to our podcasts.

In a recent Case Western Reserve release, the university announced that researchers from the Frances Payne Bolton School of Nursing and the College of Arts and Sciences at Case Western will begin groundbreaking studies to understand what drives the dying to live long enough to personal and interpersonal issues.

With the research data, they will design interventions to help patients in hospice care and families before and after the person passes.

Before now, end of life research primarily focused on making the patient comfortable by easing suffering or discomfort from the illness.

But, the approach of Barbara Daly and Mary Jo Prince-Paul from the School of Nursing and Julie Exline from Arts and Sciences is to relieve psychological distress by marshaling the patient’s inner strengths and social connections.

These qualities include the resilient feelings of hope, optimism and connectedness that they mustered to make it through difficult and even life-threatening situations before their terminal illnesses. Marshaling these inner resources has been shown to improve the psychological outlook of healthy people, and the researchers want to find out the benefits for those severely ill.

Forgiveness will also be a focus of the study, which is partially funded by the Fetzer Institute. Exline, who has studied forgiving oneself, others and God over the past decade, will survey family members before and after the death of the loved one to see how hospice workers can help them as they undergo the emotional stress of caring for this seriously ill family member and then the challenges of bereavement.

As part of a KEET-TV’s Campaign For Love and Forgiveness and a community outreach initiative to encourage participation in the arts, KEET-TV initiated the Compassion In Contemporary Art Contest with the Ink People Center for the Arts. Inspired by the PBS contemporary art television series ART:21 - Art In the 21st Century, KEET-TV invited North Coast residents to use their art to convey how we see ourselves and the world today and to try their hand at creating work that explores the theme of compassion.

The First Place Award went to Marceau Verdiere of McKinleyville for his acrylic painting titled “The Moment Before Forgiveness.” Verdiere stated, “I approached the theme of forgiveness by focusing on what leads to forgiveness, and wanted to show the difficulty in arriving to that moment. Forgiveness is a celebration of sorts, but it takes a lot of courage and will to get there, and there is a moment just before, a still fragile moment of reaching out, daring and risking. But as the piece shows, it is also a moment that leads to a more light-filled moment, a rise from the depth of shame, guilt and selfishness.”

The Second Prize was awarded to Lunel Haysmer of Eureka with the colored pencil triptych, “Bringing Compassion into the World.” “This piece was done when I was at an all-time bottom,” Haysmer said, “and came from a place of spirit that didn’t have anything to do with me. It was comforting to feel that at a time when I didn’t see the beauty in my life, that it came out anyway.”

The Third Place Prize went to Kati Texas of Eureka for her acrylic and collage on sign board piece, “The Weight of Pain.” Texas stated that “‘The Weight of Pain’ illustrates how it feels when one lets the pain of the past drag down the present, and the lengths to which someone might need to go so that they may breathe (easy) again.”

Campaign conversations are making a difference! In campaign conversations exploring what forgiveness is and ways to practice it, participants in six communities around the country reported key changes in both their understanding of forgiveness, perspectives on it, and their likelihood to grant it to themselves and others. Participants also reported positive changes in specific thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.

Research results indicate a greater understanding of the nature and process of forgiveness was gained through the conversations. “I have learned to be more open with myself, my heart, and to live each day with more compassion and understanding,” noted a campaign conversation participant. From the first conversation to the fourth, participants had a greater understanding that forgiveness is something you do for yourself and that forgiveness did not mean forgetting, both of which can be psychological roadblocks to forgiving.

More than half the respondents felt more forgiving towards themselves, their families and their communities after the conversations. Three out of four participants felt more likely to forgive someone close to them and nearly three quarters also were more likely to forgive themselves. “I am not so quick to get angry with my grandmother, and I realize that she really loves me and wants the best for me,” said another participant.

When asked whether they felt certain acts, such as physical abuse, violent or war crimes, extramarital affairs, verbal or emotional abuse and racist or sexist remarks were possible to forgive, participants who said “yes” increased by 14-17 percentage points from the first conversation to the last. In fact, participants felt all actions listed, including being fired, gossip, and being lied to forgive, were more possible to forgive after participating in the conversations.

Forgiveness also became a topic and practice participants wanted to share with others. After participating in the conversations, nearly 70% were more likely to talk with others about forgiveness, notice it in the news, or ask to be forgiven.

If you want to start a series of conversations in your community, business, or organization, download materials on our Web site.

Another story of forgiveness from Africa* is being told as a one-hour documentary. Ready to Forgive: An African Story of Grace, produced by the Lutheran Church America and hosted by Imaculée Ilibigaza, a Rwanda genocide survivor and the author of Left to Tell, tells the story of the Acholi people in Northern Uganda. Despite being brutalized during twenty years of war which left thousands dead, many displaced, and many–especially children who were abducted and forced to fight–suffering crippling physical, mental, and emotional injuries, the Acholi people still believe in reconciliation and forgiveness.

According to a recent review, “Ready to Forgive is laced with on-location photography and plentiful interviews with survivors of attacks, but also members of the Lutheran World Federation and others in who to restore peace to Northern Uganda after more than 20 years of conflict.  The documentary focuses on the ability of the Acholi people of Northern Uganda to forgive their own: members of their own villages who were, in many cases, forced to join a rebel group called the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA), led by Joseph Kony, which committed atrocities against the Acholi people.”

In a previous blog entry, Robin Edgar wrote about American-born Andrew Briggs who was inspired to go to Koro Abili, an Internally Displace Persons camp in Uganda, to help traumatized children heal through the arts. He developed a program that eventually became the nonprofit, Freedom In Creation (FIC). It is not only helping heal affected children, it is helping heal communities.

Read more about the film and Andrew’s work with Freedom In Creation. Both are needed shots of hope amidst bleak headlines.

*Some other stories of forgiveness in African countries can be found in As We Forgive, a film about forgiveness after the Rwandan genocide and Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu’s book about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa, No Future Without Forgiveness.

The gesture had “symbolic importance. It’s a good sign for this deeply polarized country…”
–Camilo Gonzalez of the Institute for Development and Peace (Indepaz), Colombia

“How important is the gesture of the son of Escobar?” BBC World asked philosophy professor Guillermo Hoyos, Universidad Javeriana. Hoyos said he was ‘very impressed’ with the meeting between the son of the perpetrator and the children of the victims.