I have seen how the conversations can change hearts and attitudes.
–Conversation Facilitator

It’s hard to know what to write or where to start to tell you the campaign is coming to a close. Good-byes are difficult and awkward–often because it’s hard to let go of someone or something special and that is what this campaign has been.

From the introductory meeting, when sharing personal stories of love and forgiveness with colleagues seemed awkward at best, public television stations and their partners took the challenge to dive into uncharted territory and went for it. For four years, national and local campaign partners, and hundreds of brave individuals have come together to explore the power of love and forgiveness to impact our lives, our work, and our communities.

The Fetzer Institute began this project as an experiment to see how a series of focused conversations and accompanying activities might affect people’s understanding of and willingness to be more loving and forgiving toward themselves and others. Our research for year four is still being compiled, but based on year three research, 70% of those who participated in campaign conversations reported that they would be more likely to:

• Forgive themselves for mistakes
• Forgive others who are close to them
• Consider offering forgiveness as a response to a difficult situation
• Talk with friends about forgiveness or being more forgiving
• Choose to forgive someone rather than being angry at them

The campaign, like life, has come with hurdles and difficulties. I often say writing about love and forgiveness is the easy part, living it is much more challenging–all the more reason to forgive. But what the campaign reinforced for me is that we are all both imperfect and inextricably connected. Because of our imperfections, we’ll make mistakes and hurt each other, but if we can approach ourselves and others with kindness and compassion for these faults, foibles, and faux pas, we create the room to improve and to love ourselves and others more fully.

The campaign is ending this month, but the work will continue through the Fetzer Institute’s many initiatives and you who exemplify this work in your daily lives. We hope you’ll want to continue to stay connected with the Fetzer Institute. The campaign blog will be ending at the end of June, but this ending signals the beginning of a Fetzer blog, which will explore love, forgiveness, and compassion, include Fetzer activities, research, commentary, and more.

So maybe we won’t say good-bye, just yet. We will say thank you. Thank you for your love, forgiveness, and compassion. Thank you for your support and interest in the campaign. We are grateful to you for joining us in this great experiment and hope you’ll stay with us as it continues!

No matter how long it’s been or how far away you’ve wandered, you can always begin again.
–Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness CD

A friend of mine loaned me a book and accompanying CD recently that has changed the way I relate to myself. The book, The Force of Kindness by Sharon Salzberg, is beautifully written and full of great wisdom. But the book was not the piece that so moved me. It was an instruction Salzberg gives in a guided meditation on the accompanying CD.

It goes something like this, “The moment when you realize you’ve been distracted is the most important moment in the meditation…That’s the moment when we have the chance to be really different, to actively bring the force of compassion into our practice and into our lives. Rather than judging yourself or seeking to punish yourself, that’s the moment to be gentle, to let go, to forgive yourself, to consciously practice kindness. Nothing is ruined. You simply begin again.”

To me, this is an instruction for life. “No matter how far away you’ve wandered” from your ideals, dreams, morals, or core, you can begin again. She says that even if you have to do it 1,000’s of times, it’s ok. What a relief. What a gift.

Now I remind myself that each time I realize I’ve wandered from this moment–whether I’ve made a misstep, acted insensitively, indifferently, harshly, or generally let my ego or inner dialogue run wild–that that is the most important moment in my life.

The same goes for how I approach others in my life. When I’m faced with an uncomfortable situation, or difficult encounter–that moment is an opportunity to “consciously practice kindness”.

I’ve read a number of books about kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and meditation and endeavor to practice each. But it wasn’t until I heard Salzberg’s words that I felt myself relax into my imperfection, knowing that I can forgive myself and start over, again, and again, and again. I know this instruction isn’t meant to encourage or  justify lax behavior, but it does allow for loosening the grip of my self critic, that voice and energy that take up time and space that could be filled with kindness.

Thanks to Robin A. Edgar, Charlotte campaign conversation facilitator, for submitting this inspiring entry.

The Supreme Court outlawed segregated schools in 1954, but it took three years for Southern states to comply-sort of. In Charlotte, dozens of black children volunteered to attend white schools but the school board rejected all but four. On Sept. 4, 1957, Dorothy Counts (Dot Counts-Scoggins today) walked down the hill to Harding High School.

Approaching a wall of screaming and spitting white students, she thought of what her father, Herman Counts, always told his family–”Hold your head high.” The wall parted to let her pass.

Woody Cooper was in the crowd. A good student, he was already accepted to The Citadel and his dad, a Charlotte policeman, told him, “Don’t get involved.” So Woody just stood and watched Dot come down the hill, walking right past him while his classmates cursed at her and called her names.

The photo that Don Sturkey took of that day for the Observer was eventually seen around the world. Over the years, when Woody looked at the picture, he realized that failing to help Dot that day was the same thing as hurling insults at her.

In 2006, after Woody’s Sunday School lesson about sins of omission, he told his class that he felt he had failed to do right by Dorothy Counts. The very next day, the Observer ran a story about Dorothy and Woody sent an e-mail to the reporter. The reporter forwarded it to Dot.

Dot and Woody, who are now friends, will be the guests of honor at the dedication of the Red Bench of Love in Charlotte’s Garden of Love and Forgiveness on June 10, 2010. We invited them to be the first to sit on this symbol from our four-year Campaign for Love & Forgiveness. We hope others will visit our Bench and Garden and take the time to find love and forgiveness in their hearts and lives as well.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

“War is hell.”

Attributed to Civil War General William Sherman, this phrase certainly refers to the unspeakable horrors that combat soldiers face every day. It also includes the terror experienced by civilians whose homes and villages are destroyed and who live in squalor not knowing what the next hour will bring. It even includes those miles away from the battle, wondering moment by moment if their loved ones are safe.

Engaging in war often is a nation’s response to being threatened or attacked. However, what if we opted for a different response? Following the Rwandan genocide, Immaculee Ilibagiza volunteered at an orphanage that took in every child brought to them - more every day. They had great need in many areas. One day, after passing several military checkpoints on her way to the orphanage, Immaculee wondered, “What would I do if I could command an army? I’d bring it here to fight for the orphans!”

This audacious idea led her to assemble a proposal and, using her not-so-powerful position as an administrative assistant at the UN in Rwanda, tag along to a meeting selecting the project for the next International Volunteer Day. She offered her proposal to bring food and medicine, to read and clean, and to simply share love with the orphans for a day. While this initially fell flat amidst the usual thoughts of repairing classrooms, building a schoolhouse or establishing a clinic, she persisted and her proposal was accepted. A few weeks later, over 100 volunteers from Africa, Europe, America, and Asia brought food, crayons, blackboards, cleaning supplies, and medicines to the orphanage. While half the group worked, the other half interacted with the children. Their only instruction was to act from their heart and give it their all. In a radio interview at the close of the day, Immaculee stated her reason for the project: “because these children are the ones who will build the new Rwanda.”

Violence is a power of death and destruction, fueled by hate. Love is a power of life and hope, fueled by compassion. And love is by far the greater power. We know this in the deepest recesses of our hearts. So, why do we not act on this knowledge?

This Memorial Day - and in the days to come - may we honor those who have fought for our freedom by daring to mature into a civilization where the “eye for an eye” mentality of war is replaced with the understanding that when one suffers, we all suffer. Love is our secret weapon!

Quote for reflection throughout the week
I will greet this day with love in my heart. For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscles can split a shield and even destroy life itself but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of man. And until I master this act I will remain no more than a peddler in the marketplace. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend upon its force… my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day. –Og Mandino

From the web
Here is an article from Charlottesville, VA of two persons who lost loved ones to terrorism and are responding with love.

Offering an act of kindness in the face of suffering is a powerful and sometimes daunting practice. Our first instinct may be to turn away, to avoid the pain, to react in a way that we think protects and distances ourselves. Yet to witness our own or others’ pain and reach out in kindness is not only an act of compassion, it expresses our profound connection to each other.

Pain and suffering can trigger fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair, leaving us feeling alone and isolated, or it can bring us together like our collective response to the southeast Asian tsunami, and the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile.

In our culture, it is easy to think we can avoid suffering by succumbing to the distractions or indulgences of everyday life, diverting attention from harsh realities. More seductive still, we can get lost in a cloud of thought that plunges us deeper into isolation and our separation from others.

In fact, our ego or sense of self–the thoughts that differentiate us from others–while a natural part of being human, can contribute to our feeling separate, vulnerable, fearful, and polarized. Protecting that sense of self can cause us to view the world in terms of us and them and override our empathic tendency. We only need glimpse the latest news to see examples of this. At the extreme, focusing too much on ourselves breeds anxiety and depression, while connecting with others can actually boost our health and well-being.

Distracting ourselves, with work, TV, or alcohol, for example, may seem a protective reaction, but pain and suffering remain. By witnessing and accepting the world as it is we are able to respond with honesty, clarity of purpose, and compassion. For most of us, this takes ongoing effort and practice. But being fully present during our moments of pain or despair, provides a profound opportunity to communicate immediately and directly from the heart–as it breaks open and connects us with one another.

“It is not about assuming a new self-image or manufactured persona; it is about being compassionate naturally, out of what we see, out of what we understand,” writes Sharon Salzberg in The Force of Kindness. “Compassion is like a mirror into which we can always look. It is like a stream that steadily carries us. It is like a cleansing fire that continually transforms us.”

Cultivating compassion asks that we return to that initial instinct of “fellow feeling”, be open to our own and others’ suffering, practice forgiveness, kindness, and gratitude. Compassion returns us to something that is not only a key part of our social nature, but part of our survival: our connection to each other and to our heart.

A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl.
–Stephan Hoeller

If we eavesdropped on the continuous thread of commentary in each others’ minds, I imagine we’d be surprised at how cruel we are to ourselves. In fact, if self criticism were a disease, it would likely dwarf other epidemics. If, like so many others, you have your own personal critic, you know what psychological distress this relentless mental criticism can cause.

Cultivating self compassion is probably the best way to combat this source of suffering. In fact, people with greater levels of self compassion have less anxiety and depression, increased psychological strengths and positive emotions, a greater ability to forgive, and are better able to navigate difficult life events.

If self compassion were a commodity, ads for it might feature a soft breeze blowing through a tropical paradise in your mind. So what is self compassion and how does it differ from the self esteem we are encouraged to nurture?

According to a Duke and Wake Forest University study published several years ago, self compassion involves recognizing your own suffering, feeling moved to respond to it with kindness, understanding that you are not suffering in isolation, and cultivating a practice of mindfulness.

Although a dictionary definition of self esteem describes it as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself” (Merriam Webster’s online dictionary), in Western culture, self esteem is often based on a comparison of self to others and is tethered to our successes and failures–rising and falling with our latest accomplishment, acquisition, mistake, or failure.

On the other hand, self compassion is not dependent on differentiating and separating ourselves from others, but instead on seeing our interdependence, our common humanity, fragility, and imperfections. Understanding that our progress in life is built on both success and failure, self compassion provides us a soft place to land each time we fall–as we inevitably do. It also puts our failures and faux pas in perspective–that is, we are all imperfect and bound to make mistakes or encounter misfortune. In a framework of self compassion, it is easier to be kind to ourselves.

Mindfulness, the third element of self compassion, can be an antidote for harsh self criticism. It helps us cultivate acceptance by becoming a neutral observer of negative thoughts and emotions. Practicing mindfulness can help us disengage from an emotional response to an event, de-escalate our self criticism and painful emotions, and allow us to navigate challenges with equanimity and perspective.

Self compassion isn’t subject to the winds of fortune or misfortune. It encompasses and allows both, providing a ballast with which we can experience the ups and downs of life. By allowing us our imperfections and still acknowledging we’re worthy and lovable, self compassion makes room for and nurtures human possibility.

This commentary by Israel Rafalovich from England’s Economic Voice, provides a much-needed push for the role of forgiveness in international relations and precedes a book he is writing on the same topic. In the rare air of international negotiations and relations, it’s easy to objectify the people impacted. Rafalovich argues that politicians “have to be able to develop empathy for their enemies and not invest themselves in dehumanising their enemies.”

“Forgiveness has to be possible in politics,” he writes, “if there is to be any hope of former enemies to be able to-co-exist as members of the international community. For we learn the need to forgive and be forgiven from our experience of living together with others. In forgiveness we affirm our readiness to act anew and to establish new relationships. When we do achieve the goal of being neighbours to people who were once our enemies, than we will see forgiveness in politics in action.”

It’s worth a read!

This poem was written in 2008 by Adeola Fearon in response to and in honor of WTVI/Charlotte’s Campaign for Love & Forgiveness conversations.

Garden of Forgiveness

in the garden of forgiveness
it takes courage to hear
“I’m sorry”
as much as it does
to plan something
that feeds the soul
the quality of life
inspired
by a moving experience
touched by an angel
sent to elevate your life
to slow down
create a bridge
between heart and mind
to one day share
with your children
wise words
making an impact
joy
optimism
diversity
share your spirit
for a new
tomorrow
how passionate are you
to see things from a new view
to flower
possibilities

©2008 Adeola Fearon

Were you aware that President Obama signed a bill in December that included a resolution offering “an apology to all Native Peoples on behalf of the United States”? I wasn’t.

When I surfaced from reading an article on apologies the other day, I noticed a tweet from Simon Cohen, aka globaltolerance: “Imp news: Obama apologises to Native Americans http://bit.ly/5qOGEG.” I jumped to the link and read Sean McCollum’s Teaching Tolerance article on the passage and signing of the 2010 Defense Appropriations Act last month which included an apology “to all Native Peoples for the many instances of violence, maltreatment, and neglect inflicted on Native Peoples by citizens of the United States.”

Where was this news? I searched the Web for a news story. Surely there had been coverage of this. Nothing substantial surfaced. As the Teaching Tolerance post points out, news attention was elsewhere–namely, McCollum states, on Tiger Woods and health reform.

An apology for institutionalized, horrific, and sustained transgressions against Native Americans in this country was buried in a defense bill and eclipsed in the news.

While an apology doesn’t erase transgressions–especially of this magnitude–it is important. And giving voice to the apology, to me, would make it more real. Perhaps this is a good time to revisit the power of apology and why it’s needed, and in the process build discussion–and visibility–around this apology.

According to On Apology author, Aaron Lazare, in an article in The Compassionate Instinct, “there are four parts to the structure of an effective apology…acknowledgment of the offense; explanation; expressions of remorse, shame, and humility; and reparations.” An effective, heartfelt apology can lead to forgiveness, even reconciliation, according to Lazare. To do this, he writes, it must satisfy one or more of seven psychological needs of those offended: the restoration of dignity, validation that the victim was not responsible, agreeing that the harm committed was wrong, assuring that the offended party is safe from a repeat offense, reparative justice, reparations, and dialogue between the offender and offended

While the resolution clearly makes no reparations, perhaps we can see it in the light of a work in progress and learn from it. According to Sean McCollum, “it finally owns up to this country’s record of ill-conceived, bigoted, and often sadistic treatment of Native Americans. And perhaps, like any honorable apology should, it sets the stage for making amends.”

Now if it would only get some coverage… Pass it on.

This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.

During this past weekend we again marked the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The question it brought to mind for me this year was this: can forgiveness make its way into mainstream civic discourse?

One of the many unsettling dynamics in our political arena is how thin-skinned our politicians make themselves out to be (though they probably aren’t so). Individuals are quick to take great personal offense at the mere implication of a slight, and these individuals are quick to go to the media and speak of their rage. The strategy becomes not so much to rise above the fray as to become the fray that pushes down the other person.

Exceptions to this political game seem few and far between. I wonder, however, if they aren’t so few but simply less reported. One recent exception I discovered is in Malaysia where, in the wake of multiple attacks on churches, Christians and Muslims and “even politicians across the political divide” condemned the attacks. They made statements and took actions so that “an air of repentance and forgiveness prevailed.” The writer called the acts “unprecedented.”

Wisdom and maturity can prevail over shallow political maneuvering. Let’s help make this our future.

Quote for reflection throughout the week
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

From the web
Here is the article describing the situation in Malaysia that I mention above.

This article echoes Dr. King’s call to disarm our enemies with love.