Forgive for love: Relationships are a work in progress
In this, the third of a four part series, Fred Luskin shares the importance of forgiveness in maintaining a loving relationship.
Couples forgiveness rule number one: Because of your resentments, don’t gloss over the fact that you made a willing decision to be your partner’s lover. The problem we struggle with is how much did I commit to good behavior after I made my choice of mate? Do I blame them if things turn out different than we planned or do I see risk and challenge at the heart of all love relationships? Forgiveness allows you to continue to be kind and honor your choice even when your partner’s conduct has been poor. It allows us to love them in ways that include their flawed humanness.
I remember when I did couples therapy before becoming a forgiveness teacher. I would see people like Rick and Arlene come into my office and scream at each other. Bitterness dripped from every word Rick uttered and Arlene was full of contempt. Each would hurl insults at the other and repeat story after story of grievance and disappointment. Rick would have a scowl on his face as he would tell me how hard he tried to get Arlene to stop her lying. And Arlene would look pained as he was talking, barely able to listen before she jumped in with her harsh telling of how annoying Rick is and how he is always complaining about her. I remember thinking if this is how Rick and Arlene treat the person they pledged their lives to then the rest of their social world better duck I wondered why they were not embarrassed to be treating the person they chose to love so poorly. But they certainly are not alone.
In my therapy practice and in my forgiveness classes what I see over and over is blame and hostility and then more blame. I see outright hostility, such as when Rick told Arlene that she was a bitch. I see subtle hostility as when Arlene told Rick that she felt sorry for him that he had done such a bad job of being a husband. I see a lack of responsibility from both partners such as when Arlene and Rick blame each other for their unkind and nasty behavior. Finally, I see a sense of entitlement that somehow we are owed great love without having to give it. One of my goals is to help couples like Rick and Arlene to see relationships as a work in progress rather than an entitlement.
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