Self compassion
A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl.
–Stephan Hoeller
If we eavesdropped on the continuous thread of commentary in each others’ minds, I imagine we’d be surprised at how cruel we are to ourselves. In fact, if self criticism were a disease, it would likely dwarf other epidemics. If, like so many others, you have your own personal critic, you know what psychological distress this relentless mental criticism can cause.
Cultivating self compassion is probably the best way to combat this source of suffering. In fact, people with greater levels of self compassion have less anxiety and depression, increased psychological strengths and positive emotions, a greater ability to forgive, and are better able to navigate difficult life events.
If self compassion were a commodity, ads for it might feature a soft breeze blowing through a tropical paradise in your mind. So what is self compassion and how does it differ from the self esteem we are encouraged to nurture?
According to a Duke and Wake Forest University study published several years ago, self compassion involves recognizing your own suffering, feeling moved to respond to it with kindness, understanding that you are not suffering in isolation, and cultivating a practice of mindfulness.
Although a dictionary definition of self esteem describes it as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself” (Merriam Webster’s online dictionary), in Western culture, self esteem is often based on a comparison of self to others and is tethered to our successes and failures–rising and falling with our latest accomplishment, acquisition, mistake, or failure.
On the other hand, self compassion is not dependent on differentiating and separating ourselves from others, but instead on seeing our interdependence, our common humanity, fragility, and imperfections. Understanding that our progress in life is built on both success and failure, self compassion provides us a soft place to land each time we fall–as we inevitably do. It also puts our failures and faux pas in perspective–that is, we are all imperfect and bound to make mistakes or encounter misfortune. In a framework of self compassion, it is easier to be kind to ourselves.
Mindfulness, the third element of self compassion, can be an antidote for harsh self criticism. It helps us cultivate acceptance by becoming a neutral observer of negative thoughts and emotions. Practicing mindfulness can help us disengage from an emotional response to an event, de-escalate our self criticism and painful emotions, and allow us to navigate challenges with equanimity and perspective.
Self compassion isn’t subject to the winds of fortune or misfortune. It encompasses and allows both, providing a ballast with which we can experience the ups and downs of life. By allowing us our imperfections and still acknowledging we’re worthy and lovable, self compassion makes room for and nurtures human possibility.
Submitted by: Roselle Kovitz