In this four part series, Fred Luskin shares the importance of forgiveness in maintaining a loving relationship. As Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, Luskin has conducted the largest forgiveness research study to date. He has done research to demonstrate that forgiveness can work to heal a wide range of emotional and psychological issues—from severe trauma, such as the murder of a child, to dealing with the loss of money in the stock market. Luskin has taught forgiveness in corporate, academic, and faith-based settings, as well as trained therapists to use forgiveness methods in their practices. His work with thousands of couples and individuals led to his writing, Forgive for Love.

Listening to countless stories of infidelity, alcohol abuse, mistreatment of children, disregard for feelings and other causes of divorce and disagreement, I have seen first hand how difficult it is to make relationships work. In fact the dozen years of teaching and research I have done with forgiveness has convinced me just how hard it is to have loving and lasting unions. But more than that, it has shown me how essential forgiveness is and why it needs to be at the center of our intimate relationships. From a couple’s relative interest in sex, dedication to work, relationship to their parents, and relationships with their children, there are simply too many ways that a relationship can become unbalanced. Considering the complexity of life, it is inevitable we will disagree with our partners. The key is to understand the inevitability of disagreement and the need to forgive and move on with love. In that way forgiveness is an essential balm for hurt feelings.

Committed relationships are hard work, and they ask a lot of us. The triangle theory of romance says it takes passion, friendship, and commitment to sustain a relationship. Relationships falter when they have two elements but lack a third for a long period of time. If you both love and like your partner, but aren’t committed, then your relationship will likely end at some point. If you feel friendship and commitment to your partner you’ll end up with a good friend, not a lover. If you have commitment and passion, without friendship, you end up with a stormy but passionate mess. In order for your relationship to work you need to love your partner, like your partner, and be willing to stick it out through thick and thin. That is hard to do and almost impossible without regular doses of forgiveness for yourself and your partner.

Submitted by: admin

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 5:45 pm and is filed under Spokespeople, Things to Think About. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.