This commentary by Israel Rafalovich from England’s Economic Voice, provides a much-needed push for the role of forgiveness in international relations and precedes a book he is writing on the same topic. In the rare air of international negotiations and relations, it’s easy to objectify the people impacted. Rafalovich argues that politicians “have to be able to develop empathy for their enemies and not invest themselves in dehumanising their enemies.”
“Forgiveness has to be possible in politics,” he writes, “if there is to be any hope of former enemies to be able to-co-exist as members of the international community. For we learn the need to forgive and be forgiven from our experience of living together with others. In forgiveness we affirm our readiness to act anew and to establish new relationships. When we do achieve the goal of being neighbours to people who were once our enemies, than we will see forgiveness in politics in action.”
Spring is almost here–and not a moment too soon for the snow-weary! Whether you’re wishing for more full spectrum light to get through these last weeks of winter or reveling in a symphony for the senses evoked by an early spring, nature’s lesson about strength and patience is right under your feet.
Pushing through the frozen ground, each bulb, shoot, and sprout demonstrates the tenacity and power it takes to be reborn in the moment. The earth does not give way easily to new growth. And new growth does not wait for the temperature to rise and the soil to soften. It comes in adverse conditions, before everything can be staged and perfect. For us, too, new growth can come with challenges, and often does.
Cultivating love, forgiveness, and compassion is no different. Year after year, we negotiate long term relationships, make new ones, and end others. There is always something new to contend with, something unexpected–joy alongside disappointments, beauty alongside devastation, high expectations alongside imperfection. Life doesn’t let up.
The strength and resilience it takes to persevere is like the strength it takes for the crocus to push through the solid, cold earth that surrounds it. And like the crocus, we do it–one step, one shoot at a time.
The beauty of spring is undeniable. It is worth the wait and worth the struggle. If we look at our lives as inextricably connected within a larger web of life, then the strength it takes to endure in love, practice forgiveness, and behave compassionately seems infinitely small, even natural, compared to its rewards. Each new shoot peeking up from the earth attests to that.
This poem was written in 2008 by Adeola Fearon in response to and in honor of WTVI/Charlotte’s Campaign for Love & Forgiveness conversations.
Garden of Forgiveness
in the garden of forgiveness
it takes courage to hear
“I’m sorry”
as much as it does
to plan something
that feeds the soul
the quality of life
inspired
by a moving experience
touched by an angel
sent to elevate your life
to slow down
create a bridge
between heart and mind
to one day share
with your children
wise words
making an impact
joy
optimism
diversity
share your spirit
for a new
tomorrow
how passionate are you
to see things from a new view
to flower
possibilities
It can be hard to tell what heartache those around us are experiencing and what a small kindness, a smile, or a touch can do to help. Sometimes we are the one in pain and tending to our own heart is what’s really needed. And sometimes just bringing to our awareness what others may be feeling can open our hearts and change our behavior.
Reaching out to others is not only kind, it is good for our health. And, according to research, kindness can become contagious. (No Purell needed here!) This month of Valentine’s Day (symbolically, at least) can be a reminder that love, listening, and presence are some of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others–from those who are close and important to us to those we pass in the hall at work, on the street, or in a checkout line.
Knowing that loss is inevitable can actually open our hearts to others and awaken us to each moment. So, why not “fall in love” with an ever-widening circle of people, like Bobbie Willis, a contributor to The Sun Magazine’s “Readers Write” section describes so beautifully.
“What saves me from the tedium of another day,” she writes, “is falling hopelessly in love with the people I meet: the curly-haired barista at the coffee shop who hands me my change as if dipping his fingers into holy water; the girl with Down syndrome who talks loudly about vacationing with her grandmother; the elderly couple who grow giant bubble-gum-colored puffs of dahlias at the corner of Twelfth and Chambers; the toddler girl across the street who bleats sweetly, “Mama come see!”; I fall in love with the deep timbre of my brother’s laugh; the way my mother says my name; the way my father calls me sweetheart; the way my sweetheart calls me baby.”
Kathleen Clark, Ph.D., J.D., who provided this entry, has practiced law and mediation in the San Francisco Bay Area for twenty years. She is the founder/CEO of Servant Lawyership. She practices law, convenes symposiums, and writes and speaks on collaborative practices in health care.
Michael Woods died of a heart attack on a gurney in the emergency room of Kent Hospital in Warwick, Rhode Island. A heart monitor was ordered but the order was never carried out.
Michael’s older brother, actor James Woods, sought compensation for his brother’s son, Peyton, but more than that, he wanted acknowledgement of responsibility, accountability, and an apology. Although Woods knew that litigation would only provide his family money, nothing more, he saw litigation as the only option he had.
The case proceeded to trial with Sandy Coletta, the new CEO of Kent Hospital, playing an active role. During the third week of trial, Coletta told her attorneys that she “absolutely” needed to talk with Woods, personally. At first, Woods resisted.
Decof told me that in his experience, he’d never seen or heard of a situation in which a public apology and acknowledgment, had occurred in the middle of a medical malpractice trial, especially when a settlement was involved. Decof asked Woods to meet with Coletta, knowing that a meeting was the only avenue to acknowledgment of responsibility and an apology. He suggested that “Woods might be able to look at the hospital differently through Coletta”.
That’s exactly what happened.
Coletta told Woods, “I don’t know if anyone from Kent has ever said this to you, but I am so sorry about what happened to your brother.” She acknowledged that “Mistakes were made” and “the hospital did not follow through on the order.” According to Decof, the apology shifted Woods’ frame of mind from “search and destroy to a conciliatory”. Woods said he transitioned from hurt and anger to hope.
Although the advent of this new practice, collaborative law in health care, has been daunting, my spirit, determination, and dedication to collaborative practices after adverse medical events was reinvigorated by this 2009 medical malpractice/wrongful death case of Michael Woods. The case was filed in July, 2006, had all the traditional elements of medical malpractice litigation. James Woods was angry, bitter, and alienated, feeling disrespected and unrecognized. Although James’ mother was not a party, she was an integral part of the litigation process.
By the end, the case had many elements of reconciliation: apology, acknowledgment, forgiveness, and collaboration, particularly transformative because the case was considered unsettlable. For me, this case was and continues to be about our shared humanity, understanding, and caring about each other.
Were you aware that President Obama signed a bill in December that included a resolution offering “an apology to all Native Peoples on behalf of the United States”? I wasn’t.
When I surfaced from reading an article on apologies the other day, I noticed a tweet from Simon Cohen, aka globaltolerance: “Imp news: Obama apologises to Native Americans http://bit.ly/5qOGEG.” I jumped to the link and read Sean McCollum’s Teaching Tolerance article on the passage and signing of the 2010 Defense Appropriations Act last month which included an apology “to all Native Peoples for the many instances of violence, maltreatment, and neglect inflicted on Native Peoples by citizens of the United States.”
Where was this news? I searched the Web for a news story. Surely there had been coverage of this. Nothing substantial surfaced. As the Teaching Tolerance post points out, news attention was elsewhere–namely, McCollum states, on Tiger Woods and health reform.
An apology for institutionalized, horrific, and sustained transgressions against Native Americans in this country was buried in a defense bill and eclipsed in the news.
While an apology doesn’t erase transgressions–especially of this magnitude–it is important. And giving voice to the apology, to me, would make it more real. Perhaps this is a good time to revisit the power of apology and why it’s needed, and in the process build discussion–and visibility–around this apology.
According to On Apology author, Aaron Lazare, in an article in The Compassionate Instinct, “there are four parts to the structure of an effective apology…acknowledgment of the offense; explanation; expressions of remorse, shame, and humility; and reparations.” An effective, heartfelt apology can lead to forgiveness, even reconciliation, according to Lazare. To do this, he writes, it must satisfy one or more of seven psychological needs of those offended: the restoration of dignity, validation that the victim was not responsible, agreeing that the harm committed was wrong, assuring that the offended party is safe from a repeat offense, reparative justice, reparations, and dialogue between the offender and offended
While the resolution clearly makes no reparations, perhaps we can see it in the light of a work in progress and learn from it. According to Sean McCollum, “it finally owns up to this country’s record of ill-conceived, bigoted, and often sadistic treatment of Native Americans. And perhaps, like any honorable apology should, it sets the stage for making amends.”
Now if it would only get some coverage… Pass it on.
This reflection is from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness.
During this past weekend we again marked the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The question it brought to mind for me this year was this: can forgiveness make its way into mainstream civic discourse?
One of the many unsettling dynamics in our political arena is how thin-skinned our politicians make themselves out to be (though they probably aren’t so). Individuals are quick to take great personal offense at the mere implication of a slight, and these individuals are quick to go to the media and speak of their rage. The strategy becomes not so much to rise above the fray as to become the fray that pushes down the other person.
Exceptions to this political game seem few and far between. I wonder, however, if they aren’t so few but simply less reported. One recent exception I discovered is in Malaysia where, in the wake of multiple attacks on churches, Christians and Muslims and “even politicians across the political divide” condemned the attacks. They made statements and took actions so that “an air of repentance and forgiveness prevailed.” The writer called the acts “unprecedented.”
Wisdom and maturity can prevail over shallow political maneuvering. Let’s help make this our future.
Quote for reflection throughout the week
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. –Martin Luther King, Jr.
From the web
Here is the article describing the situation in Malaysia that I mention above.
This article echoes Dr. King’s call to disarm our enemies with love.
Last summer, while walking to one of my favorite places, the Ballard Locks, I noticed a lovely water feature in the garden that I’d not “seen” before. I’d walked by it numerous times, but missed it, totally. Even though I use these walks as a time to slow down and take in my surroundings, I’d completely missed this gem.
I’ve noticed other places around town that I’ve completely missed, too. And conversations–well, there are times that it’s not just a flagging memory that is at work. I allow myself to be distracted. Then I strain to catch the thread of the conversation.
There are so many things I’ve missed in life. I continually struggle to hold my attention in the present moment, sometimes with greater success than others. But the moments I’ve missed could–if translated to money–probably make a dent in the national debt.
It’s one of those things that’s simple to say, challenging to do. Noticing, listening, being present to each moment is like holding on to a fist full of sand–the tighter I squeeze, the more sand escapes.
In these tough times, the one thing we all have to give is our presence, our attention. Events like the earthquake in Haiti easily remind us how fleeting life is and how all we really have is the moment and our connections to others, to animals, and to nature. Right now, I renew my promise to witness the unfolding of each moment with a steady presence and when I stray, to start over again.
I watched the first program in the three-part PBS series, This Emotional Life last night. It was fascinating to see how “families, friends, and lovers” navigated the terrain of human connection–especially when it was terribly challenging. This kind of information should be taught in school–after all we spend our lives in relationship to others, yet often learn relational skills on the fly.
The series “explores improving our social relationships, learning to cope with depression and anxiety, and becoming more positive, resilient individuals. Each episode weaves together the compelling personal stories of ordinary people and the latest scientific research.” If you missed the first program, I encourage you to catch the next two, which are airing on many public television stations tonight and tomorrow at 9 p.m. (check local listings).
In an article about the series on the Huffington Post, Xavier Amador, a consultant for the series and a clinical psychologist pointed out the importance of emotions that are painful in helping us connect with one another. “When we are sad, people reach out to us and we feel the desire to be held, cared for, loved. Anxiety often has the same effect. And when we come together we can then pursue common causes such as the search for food, creating shelter, defense against predators–our genes survive and are passed on to the next generation.”
We all suffer. We all are imperfect. How best do we relate and support each other knowing this? So far, I’m finding that This Emotional Life is providing some good insights.
Here’s some food for thought for the holidays from Thom Andrews, director of Kalamazoo’s Season of Forgiveness. Thank you, Thom.
It’s the holidays. It’s the end of a year and the end of a decade.
As we gather with family and look back at our lives and the times in which we live, what posture will we assume? That is, what perspective will we take?
I suggest gratitude. Gratitude recognizes the fragility and randomness in life and takes nothing for granted. In practicing gratitude, we are mindful of each moment and grateful for what we have and what we receive. Gratitude acknowledges and expresses our humility, recognizing that there are no entitlements and we are not in control of what life dishes out. Gratitude is one of the fundamentals of forgiveness (along with kindness and generosity).
In this season, be grateful. You’ll be happier and healthier if you do.
Quote for reflection throughout the week
Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life. –George MacDonald
From the web
Recent scientific studies showing that gratitude leads to a healthier, happier life.
