This month's featured practice:

Visualizing Forgiveness

It can be useful to rehearse an act of forgiveness by doing a visualization. This exercise is adapted from Robin Casarjian's Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart. Take a few deep relaxing breaths. Bring to mind a person with whom you are in conflict. Recall what the real issues behind this conflict are for you. Recall what you are feeling about this person. Recall what you feel is still workable for you in this relationship. Breathe in and feel the wholeness within your own being. Now imagine yourself in a safe place and imagine being with this person. Tell the person, as simply and clearly as possible, how you perceive the issues between you and the truth of your experience. Speak from your deeper self to his or her deeper self. Imagine that the person really listens and hears you. When you are ready, bring your attention back to the present moment.

It is not easy for some people to say that they have been hurt by your actions. They may be afraid that they have overreacted or misunderstood you. But these hurts can sting just as much as more direct ones. Rabbi Elimelech, a great rabbi of the eighteenth century, was known to ask for forgiveness of everyone in his household before the Sabbath each week. Find a good time to regularly ask for forgiveness of your family members and friends for anything you might have done that hurt them, even if it was unintentional.

Another Point of View

Think of a situation in your life where you would like to be forgiven or would like to forgive. Write or record a short description of the situation from your perspective. Now imagine that you are the other person in the situation from that person’s perspective. How are the two stories different? Have you ever thought about the situation from the other person’s perspective? Does it make you more willing to consider forgiveness in this situation?

Compliment Your Partner

Something as simple as complimenting your partner can strengthen your relationship. A compliment reinforces self-esteem, encouraging your partner to see him- or herself as special, valuable, and loved. At the same time, you are giving yourself a little pat on the back. Daphne Rose Kingma puts it this way in The Book of Love: “To contemplate the uniqueness of your mate is, at the same time, to inform yourself about your own fine qualities. For the exceptionalness of your beloved is a reflection of you; you would not be in the arms of this incredible person if there weren't also something very special about you.

To relish your [partner’s] sensitivity is to be made aware that you are the kind of person in whose presence such emotional elegance can flourish.”

Self Forgiveness

Imagine what might happen if we were all more forgiving. Start by forgiving yourself using Fred Luskin’s nine steps to self forgiveness, also featured in Prevention magazine. Luskin is co-director of the Stanford-Northern Ireland HOPE Project and author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness.

Just Like Me

Resentments, disagreements, and estrangements hurt all parties because they reinforce feelings of separation. Often we can't forgive someone until we can see the situation from their point of view. A good practice to encourage this kind of perspective shift is “Just Like Me.” Whenever you find yourself making an assessment of another person, whether you are saying something critical or something complimentary, right after you think or say it, add the statement “just like me.” For example, “My partner is so stubborn, just like me.” “My friend holds too many grudges, just like me.” While you are claiming negative qualities, also claim positive ones. For example, “My friend is so generous with her time, just like me.” “He is so creative, just like me.”

Remind People of Their Good Qualities and Deeds

In The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace, Jack Kornfield describes an African forgiveness ritual: “In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.” Even if you cannot stage this extensive a ritual, you can reinforce and encourage forgiveness by reminding the person who has committed a wrong of their positive qualities and contributions.

Celebrate the Happiness of Another

In The Kabbalah of Envy, Rabbi Nilton Bonder explains a practice that will reinforce love in any situation. “Yiddish has a very special verb, unknown to most other languages: farginen. It means to open space, to share pleasure; it is the exact opposite of the verb to envy. While envy means disliking or resenting the happiness of others, farginen means making a pact with another individual’s pleasure or happiness.”

The next time you hear about someone else’s good fortune, notice your reaction. Do you find yourself having to force a smile and giving rather insincere congratulations? Do you ask, “Why didn't this happen to me?” It is in such moments that many friendships end, so it is important to be able to fargint another person instead.

“To develop the ability to farginen,” Bonder advises, “we must first recall from our own experience those moments when we were able to do it. And if this feeling was sincere, it will certainly have been felt with great happiness, a kind of catharsis…. Every time we are able to celebrate someone else’s happiness, we will, by definition, have greater reason to celebrate ourselves. In this way, we can widen our chances for enjoying life, freeing ourselves from the imprisonment of our own luck. Farginen sets up networks of confidence that enrich life.”

Expand Your Love to the Earth

Consider ways to extend your love to the living planet we call home, while renewing your relationship with nature, friends, and family. Coordinate rides with others going your way or take public transportation, when possible. Eat locally-grown, fresh foods—it's a way to love your body and the environment. Begin or renew your commitment to recycling. Plant a tree. What else can you do to honor yourself, the Earth, and the rest of its fellow inhabitants?

Show Simple Affection

Do you shy away from hugging family or friends? From putting an arm around someone’s shoulder or showing affection to your husband, wife or partner in front of your children? Many of us like to receive affection. A pat on the back, a smile and squeeze of a hand can generate good feelings. Still, social conventions and fear of what people may think can stop us from expressing our feelings in simple physical gestures. Perhaps we need more of that. Over the next week, try showing more affection to your family and friends. Note how it makes you feel and whether you detect any shifts in your relationships because of it.

Send Love Out to the World

Generosity of spirit and love is as important as being generous with material things. But this practice can be lost in the day-to-day busyness of our lives. Are you fortunate enough to be loved by many in your life? Are you in a special relationship? Do you have children, parents, grandparents or a special aunt, uncle, or friend whose love makes a big difference in your life? Wouldn’t that love you feel be a great gift to share with others? There are many for whom occasions of the heart are difficult times. As a practice, think of those who may not have much love in their life or those who may need an extra dose and open your heart to them—sending your love to those in need. John O’Donohue, author of Anam Cara, a book about the teachings of the ancient Celts of England, spoke of this practice in terms of “soul friends,” a friendship where two people are united in awareness, intimacy and mutuality. He says, “When you send that love out from the bountifulness of your own love, it reaches other people.” It’s worth a try!

Journaling

This is one of the most popular personal enrichment tools. Writing regularly in a journal encourages you to see life experiences and emotions more clearly, to better understand your own behavior and explore your attitudes. Here are some journal exercises to get you started exploring love.

1. Write or draw a tribute to a love of your life—it can be a person, a pet, a place or a time you felt loved. Use colors, symbols and metaphors to convey your feelings and experience and/or the object of your love.

2. English poet Rupert Brooke once cataloged all the things he loved most in life. Among those on list: "white plates and cups, cleaning-gleaming, ringed with blue lines; …wet roofs beneath the lamplight; …and hair that is shiny and free." Make a list of people, animals, things and qualities in yourself and others that you love most.

3. Describe a moment when you felt truly loved. What was it about that experience that made you feel loved?

4. Describe something you witnessed that showed you the meaning of love.

Contact Us: info@loveandforgive.org